Pay $50 to Beat me, Jeff Bezos, with a stick
Hi, I’m Jeff Bezos. A lot of people are mad at me because I got near space. And hey, I get it. I’d love to bring you to close to the edge too. Really, just ask my wife heyo! But you’re not an astronaut. I’m not an astronaut either, but I’m something better. Rich. I can buy my way out of those icky problems.
But I want to give something back. Something that both of us will enjoy. So today I’m offering you a deal. You give me $50 and I’ll let you beat me with a stick. Not a big one, haha I’m not a psycho. Like six inches.
I know what you’re saying.”Why Jeffy boy? Why?”. It’s simple. Because I like it. I want you to do it. When you’re done, I’ll probably masturbate. Does that make you mad? Good, it only makes me want it more.
Is fifty dollars too much money? No seriously, I’m asking. Having all the money has loosened my grip on reality. I gave my houseboy a Benjamin to buy coffee and he burst into tears. I still don’t know why. Or care. Is it not big enough? Fine. Give me fifty dollaroonies and spank my bare bottom with a cricket bat. I’ve been a naughty boy, I deserve it.
What are you gonna do about it? Vote? Amazon is worth two trillion dollars. I could buy Italy. I-TALY. I’d ban tomatoes and make them use cherries for their gravy. Why? Because I want to! Doesn’t that make you want to puke? Good! Send fifty funny bois to astroNOTBezos1 on venmo and you can whip my pasty billionaire backside with a cat o nine tails while I bark like a dog.
I don’t need the money. I won’t even notice the money. But this reminds me how it feels to be powerless. I don’t know why my employees complain. My ideal work environment is groveling for cash while getting yelled at by a man with a weapon. Then I clock out and go back to being me, Bez-dog, future Emperor of almost Space. Isn’t that unfair? Sometimes it makes me mad too. Then I say “Don’t rock the boat Bezzy Baby”
But you’re not me. You’re you. And you can’t do anything about it. I’ve done so many bad things, and I don’t even know what repentance is. So pay it back by stapling 50 boner bucks to a silicone dildo and beating me cuckoo.
What else are you gonna do about it?